When a vision becomes reality

I'm not a complete sceptic when it comes to positive affirmations and visualisation, but I do believe in thinking positively with most things.  It was only the other day that I realised I had actually visualised a life for myself almost 20 years ago that is now true.  Whether it was coincidence, an accident or good planning, it came to me while walking around the bay on Sunday that while sleeping on my couch in 1996 and after being mighty disappointed that I hadn't been able to see Crowded House perform for the last time on the Opera House steps, I had what I thought was a vision but may have just been wishful thinking.

I had imagined myself divorced from The Plumber, sitting in a lovely, big house looking out on the water, having two kids (specifically a girl and a boy) and being in a happy relationship.

At the time it had been a bit of a pipe dream. Firstly, I had been with The Plumber since I was 16 (I was 30 in 1996). Secondly I had tried to leave three times in the last five years. Don't ask me why I didn't make it permanent, I can only say it was a combination of a lack of confidence and fear of the consequences.  Thirdly, I was flat broke - most of our money went on the rent and some very stupid personal loans, along with an obsession with horse riding, breeding large dogs and an alcoholic husband who was mostly unemployed. We had been surviving on $30 a week for some time.  Fourthly, the possibility of having children was already a lost cause as we had been trying to get pregnant for about five years.  And I had got used to the idea. In fact I thought it was probably a good thing as The Plumber wasn't exactly father-material and I had realised I had only thought I wanted to have a baby so I could love something other than the four-legged creatures in the house.

Therefore the dream/vision was pretty unattainable to me at that time.  But it was such a strong picture in the depths of a very depressing time, that I've remembered it perfectly. And with all the things that's happened in my life since - divorce, marriage, kids, buying homes, travel, happiness - I've only realised recently that the vision I had on that old couch in a miserable rented house in 1996, has become my reality.

Visualisation seems like it might be a real thing! Unfortunately I haven't seen Crowded House since.

(Don't Dream It's Over - my little Neil xx)

*Joining Essentially Jess for #IBOT*

Juxtaposition in a Waiting Room

I found myself in an unsettling position today (no, that's not code or any other type of innuendo). I was waiting in my gynecologist's waiting room this morning about to book in for a pretty life changing operation (yes, have decided to go ahead with said hysterectomy as discussed in previous post) and I happened to be reading Mia Freedman's book "Mama Mia". I was at the most heartbreaking point in her story where she discovered she had lost her unborn child. I was struggling with how incredibly sad this was with the knowledge I was about to go ahead with a procedure which will make it absolutely impossible for me to ever have another baby. And even though there really wasn't any other way to get rid of those pesky and energy draining fibroids, I felt like I was voluntarily making myself infertile.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have no desire to have another child (my third child has four legs, a tail and actually does what I tell him!), but I'm hesitant about giving up the option to have one. This physical ability makes me feel like I'm still on the wild side of ... 45? (Shit, I hate putting that number down, that's what makes me feel old.) If that goes, will I turn into a cranky old woman like my mum was after "the change"? OK, an even more cranky old woman.

Also, ironically, several years ago in a past life, in a past marriage, I had been convinced I was infertile. I had made the crazy decision that our dysfunctional union needed a child to really stuff it up and tried to get pregnant for almost 7 years. We then had tests (well I did, he may have, that's what he told me anyway), and after a laporoscopy that didn't uncover anything, the doctor announced we were "incompatible". Duh!

So I can't believe I'm about to remove this very functional organ. I know it's for the best but I also realise it will be the end of an era. And according to those that have been there and come through better for it (thanks for the advice and encouraging comments), it will be a wonderful and carefree stage in my life ... until men..o...pause.....