Everybody has dreams. Not only those weird disjointed stories that go on in our head when we sleep, but dreams where we envision ourselves at a certain place, doing a certain thing. Sometimes we have enough passion and drive to achieve our dreams and sometimes we want to keep it just.a.dream.
I've always had a dream of being a writer. Now I think I have worked out why I just didn't dig up that passion and drive and put my head down and arse up (so to speak!). I was scared of failure. I thought, what if I put all this effort and time into a fancy dream of writing and publishing a book, put my career (ha!) on hold and neglected my family and then FAILED! Or more honestly, what if someone told me it was rubbish, I'm wasting my time. What if all those courses I took and how-to books I've read didn't give me the knowledge I needed, what if all the feedback I've been given by teachers, family and friends were just compliments to save my feelings.
What if I found out I just can't write?
My whole life I've been telling people I write, not that I'm a writer, that I write. What if that was just all folly (yes, that is an old fashioned word, but I like it, ok?)?
I know this has to come down to just a case of low self esteem and the fact there was not much encouragement in my childhood and active discouragement in my young adult life, but now I have no excuse, I'm 45 for god's sake!
So here I am in 2011 and I've been claiming "to write" for 33 years and rather than having my fourth book's advance cheque in my hand, I've struggled to finish off anything to the perfect sample of creative story telling I've strived for.
I have journals of my life tucked away everywhere and I'm sure there are some great stories in there I could pull out for my blog posts (like the time I lived in a tent for 6 months out in the sticks, ran out of money, mad drunk ex-husband with a .22 rifle, porridge everyday for dinner, starved till we shot one rabbit and cooked it but gave it to the dog as we weren't sure if it had myxomatosis - but that's another story....).
In fact, this blog has had me writing more often than in the last twenty years! Ding! Light bulb moment! [I'm a bit slow, I know.]
I'll just put it in this blog.
OMG! That just scared the shit out of me, that means that "people" are going to read it!!! And comment on it!! And they might be honest!!!
And even more frightening, my family might read it and find out what's going on in my head, and then I'll start censoring it so I won't offend anybody, like I did when I knew my husband started reading my diary of our life together because "it made him happy".
Oh bugger it, bugger everyone, I'll write whatever the hell I want to!!! Yeah right.
OK, so tell me if you write with trepidation or have written something, published it and then totally panicked when you realised people might read it! This has been a Twitter conversation I've been voyeuring between Kerri Sackville and Kylie Ladd and would love to know what other writers feel, are they just as scared?
Unhappily Bec I am in the same class as you as far as dreams and aspirations and fears go. No consolation. But geez woman you know how to reel someone in with that 6 months in a tent teaser...get typing girl I need to know the rest !!!!!
ReplyDeleteI second that, give us the tent story!
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, I also feel a lot of trepidation about putting everything 'out there', especially knowing that my children might read it one day.
My eldest already knows that I have a blog and wants to know what I've written on it sometimes.
Also, I'd hate to compromise my working relationship with editors/other people I write for. I have something of a profile already (that makes me sound famous - I'm so not!). So it is hard. Actually I'm still not quite sure what I'm doing with a personal blog - except that it's a lot of fun!!
I have a number of posts filed away that I know I can't post because it will hurt some people close to me and some of those relationships aren't fractured enough. I admire the bravery of the bloggers who write with courage. I will happily bare my soul, but worry about me baring other people's souls. It's a tough one. ..... My dream is to present and write full time and get paid millions of dollars to do so. Yum.
ReplyDeleteMy goodness, when did you get inside my own head? I seriously could have written every single word (well, except for the 6 months in a tent story - now we all need to know about that!). I'm a wannabe writer but fear of failure paralyses me. And I'd love to be more real and raw on my blog but fear of hurting people, or my reputation (if I have one?!) hinders me often.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck on your journey,one small step at at time x
Your post describes me too - exactly!
ReplyDeleteWell said, comrade in fear.
And may I say I would definitely buy and read that tent story.
Good luck!
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ReplyDeleteI'd like to read your stories, they sound so interesting! I got nervous when I started my blog too some 4 months ago, just thinking about people reading my inner thoughts. I'm so glad I took the plunge though because I've met really nice bloggers who have become friends!
ReplyDeleteWrite like no one's gonna read it, create with abandon and don't let your inner critic shout any louder than a whisper! Congrats on following your dream :D (P.S. Visiting from Love New Blogs *waves*)
ReplyDeleteWell this post sounds a bit like me.. What if no one likes it, what about the criticism.. the failure.. Suck it and see i say, who knows what might come out of it..
ReplyDeletePop over from Love new blogs.... "hello"..